Rock Paper Scissors Read online

  The other reason I didn’t want to date also had to do with Tiger. I didn’t want him becoming “involved” with a guy I was dating only to have the guy disappear when it didn’t work out between us. I didn’t want Tiger experiencing that kind of inconsistency in his life. And, since I wasn’t likely to find Mr. Right, I usually settled for Mr. Right Now in one of the sexual settings where I didn’t even have to know my partner’s name.

  There had been something disturbing me about that lately, though. I didn’t have any real desire to visit any of the sex venues I’d haunted since moving to San Francisco. The anonymous sex just didn’t do it for me anymore. Something inside of me was feeling very needy, like I was lonely and longing for something beyond a quick fuck. I didn’t know what the hell it was I wanted. Surely, it couldn’t be a relationship.

  Those were not for me. I’d seen too many of them end in disaster. How any guys could honestly think they could promise to be faithful to each other and actually keep those promises was beyond my comprehension. I knew guys better than that. Guys are horndogs. Period. They shove their cocks into as many holes or get as many cocks shoved in their holes as they can. That’s only natural. It’s how the male animal is built. It doesn’t even matter what hole they shove it into, most of them. I’d learned that in high school and college. Even now, in the baths, almost half the guys I played with were married. You didn’t even have to see the fucking wedding bands they’d forget to take off to figure that out. These pillars of society ‑‑ with their wives and 2.6 children ‑‑ sucking and fucking with other guys when they think nobody knows. That’s what guys are like.

  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not condemning it. Hell, I’m the same way. I just admit it. I know how much I love cock and ass. I know how much I love having sex with other guys. Maybe it’s just the fact that I don’t have the freedom to do it as much as I once did. Maybe that’s all that was wrong with me. After all, I’d had to repress my own desires for most of the last seven years because of Tiger. I guess my father was right. It did give me a sense of responsibility to have a child of my own. It also gave me something else, something I never expected.

  I would be lying if I said having Tiger in my life was all about responsibility and limitations. Tiger gave me something I’d never, ever experienced in my life. Something I never expected to find ‑‑ unconditional and total love. I was, at least for now, Tiger’s entire world. I knew this wouldn’t last forever. Eventually, he would grow into that most feared animal on the face of the planet ‑‑ an adolescent. And worse, an adolescent male ‑‑ a walking, talking, eating, and masturbating machine filled with more male hormones than is good for anyone. But, for now, he was still my sweet, loving little boy who gave me this feeling, at times, that I was Sir Lancelot, Superman, and Albert Einstein all rolled into one. At least, that seemed to be the way he saw me.

  So why, lately, wasn’t that enough for me? Why was I feeling like I needed more? I didn’t know what the fuck was up with me. There was something missing in my life but I couldn’t figure out what. Luckily, my life was so busy, between the office and taking care of Tiger, I didn’t have much time to think about it. It only came over me late at night, as I lay in my big, empty bed, wishing…wishing…for something. Was it someone in that bed with me I wanted? Well…if I was honest, yes ‑‑ I guess it was. But how did I get somebody to share this big bed without a relationship? That, I couldn’t figure out.

  About a week later, I was working at my desk on a case when my secretary walked into my office.

  “Uhh…Mr. Atherton…I know you’re busy but could you possibly see a new client?”

  I looked up. I was about to say “No way in hell!” until I saw her face.

  “What’s this about, Anne?”

  “Well…there’s a man outside who I think you want to see. I really think he needs to talk to somebody. He probably wouldn’t admit it, but I think he’s been crying.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Well, it’s either that or he’s having the worst allergy attack I’ve ever seen.”

  Anne had a soft heart but a very hard business head ‑‑ a masterful combination for a secretary. I knew she would never ask me to see this guy unless she thought it was important.

  “Okay. Send him in. What’s his name, by the way?”

  “Baldwin. Brian Baldwin,” she said.

  She went out, leaving the door open. I stood up and came around my desk to greet this new client. She stood aside, letting him enter, and I froze. I was looking at one of the most incredibly attractive males I’d ever seen in my life. Tall, just about my height, with thick black hair that was somewhat shaggy, and the most beautiful, piercing blue eyes I’d ever seen in my life. His face was ruggedly handsome with a strong jaw and chin. His clothing indicated he was more than likely a construction worker of some kind: red plaid flannel shirt over a long-sleeved T-shirt, which had been white at one time but no longer was. He also was wearing blue jeans and tan work shoes that were less than clean, as well. What the clothing couldn’t hide, however, was he had one hell of a muscular body.

  “I’m Tom Atherton, Mr. Baldwin,” I said, putting out my hand.

  His grip was strong but not overbearing. This was not a guy with masculinity issues.

  “Thank you for seeing me, Mr. Atherton,” he said.

  “Tommy. Please.” I smiled.

  “Okay, Tommy. Please call me Brian,” he said.

  His voice was deep and sent thrills through me. But I looked down, saw the wedding ring on his left hand and figured, for whatever reason, this straight guy had picked a predominantly gay law firm.

  “Why don’t we sit down and you can tell me what’s going on, Brian,” I said, indicating my sofa rather than the chairs in front of my desk.

  I didn’t know why I did that. Usually I only use the couch with personal friends. I grabbed a legal pad and pen from my desk while turning to Anne.

  “Please get us some coffee, Anne.” Then I turned to Brian. “How do you take it?”

  “Black is fine.”

  “Coming right up.” Anne left to get the coffee.

  “So what can I help you with, Brian?” I asked, sitting down.

  He looked at me and, up close, I could see he’d been crying. His eyes were red-rimmed and there was still a definite wetness in them. I noticed he swallowed with difficulty before answering me.

  “I want to get a divorce,” he uttered quietly.

  “How long have you and your wife been married?” I asked.

  “Ten years.”

  “And why do you want a divorce?”

  “Uhh…well…because I…well…because I can’t take being married anymore,” he finally got out.

  “Look, Brian, I’m the one person in the world you can tell anything to. Lawyer/client privilege is sacrosanct. Nothing you tell me can ever be repeated to anyone. So tell me, why do you want the divorce?” I asked again.

  He hung his head.

  “Because I’m gay,” he mumbled, so quietly I could barely hear him.

  It was at that moment there was a discreet knock on the door. It was Anne with the coffee. I took the cups from her and she closed the door. I sat back down on the couch, handing the cup of black coffee to Brian. He looked up at me, a look of fear on his face. I instantly recognized what was going on. He was afraid of my judging him for being gay.

  “Brian, let me ask you a question. How did you decide to come to this law firm?”

  “I’m on a job about a block from here and saw the office sign.”

  “So you didn’t know anything about the firm?”

  “No…I didn’t.”

  I smiled at him.

  “Brian, this law firm deals predominantly with clients who are members of the gay community.”

  He looked at me in shock for a moment and then began to smile for the first time. It was an incredible smile that showed the most adorable dimples in his cheeks. It was a smile that lit up his face and for some reason sent thrills th
rough me.

  “I’ll be damned!”

  “I’m gay.”

  “Really? I figured…well…I saw the pictures…I figured you must be…”

  I looked at him funny.

  “What pictures?”

  “The little boy,” he said pointing toward the desk.

  I looked where he was pointing and saw all of the pictures of Tiger sitting there.

  “Oh, those. Yes, those are my son. He’s seven years old.”

  “So you were married, too?”

  “No, I wasn’t, but that’s a long story. Do you and your wife have any children?”

  “No. We don’t. It’s…well, it’s been a long time since….since we had sex.”

  “Why is that? Has she refused you?”

  “No, nothing like that. It’s my fault. I haven’t wanted to do anything with her. Not for a long time now.”

  With this, he took a sip from his coffee before setting it on the coffee table.

  “So why did you marry her? How old were you when you got married?” I asked, figuring him for about my age.

  “We were eighteen. We’d just graduated from high school.”

  “So you were high school sweethearts?”

  “No! It was nothing like that. I married her because I was scared.”

  “Scared? Of what?”

  “Of everybody finding out I was a fag,” he said quietly, hanging his head.

  “Wait a minute. I think you need to explain this a little bit better. Why don’t you start from the beginning?”

  “The beginning was Kyle. We met my freshman year of high school on the JV football team. I’d never had a really good friend before. We got very close. Here we were, two horny fuckin’ teenagers goin’ through puberty and things started happening between us. At first, I lied to myself about it. I guess we lied to each other about it. We told each other we were just horny and helping a buddy out. That what we were doing was normal. But it wasn’t normal,” he said, his voice husky with emotions.

  “Because you were in love with him?”

  He looked up at me, shock showing on his face, and then he smiled sadly.

  “Yeah. It took me a while to realize it. I was scared to death! First of all, it meant I was queer and being queer was about the worst thing you could be. Then I was scared he’d find out how I felt.”

  “So what happened?”

  “We’d never done anything…well…anal. I mean we’d joked about fucking each other but the longer we were together, the less and less it was joking. We were juniors when it happened. We had just won the all-conference final and Kyle and I had both scored in the game. We ended up back at his place. We’d had a lot of beer. We weren’t wasted but we were definitely feeling no pain. We were so happy and so high from the win. We started stripping each other but then, once we were naked, something changed. We’d done a lot in three years but we’d never…well, we’d never made love. But that night, Kyle took me in his arms and, all of a sudden, we were kissing. We were really sucking face! Something we had never done. He got me on the bed and got on top of me. The next thing I know, he’s got his cock working in and out of my ass and I’m loving every moment of it. When he came, he looked down at me and told me he loved me.”

  I could see tears coursing down Brian’s face. I reached over to the coffee table, grabbed a couple of tissues, handed them to him, and he wiped his eyes.

  “I fucked him that night and told him how much I loved him. I started thinking being queer wasn’t all that bad. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with him. But it didn’t happen.”

  “So what did happen?”

  “Early in our senior year, rumors started going around the school we were lovers. Kyle freaked. Within a few weeks, he’d started going out with a girl and then he told me he never wanted to see me again. I didn’t know what to do. At one point, I seriously considered killing myself. I ended up deciding I could get cured. I started dating Sandy and before I knew what was happening, we were getting married. I knew it was wrong! I knew it wouldn’t work, but I didn’t want to hurt her. I wanted to be the husband she was in love with. I just can’t fake it anymore.”

  Again his head was down and I could see his shoulders shaking. He was really sobbing now. I was torn apart inside sitting there watching this. Without even thinking, I did something I probably should never have done ‑‑ something I’d never done before. I reached out and took Brian into my arms ‑‑ took a client into my arms ‑‑ and held him. Worse, I could feel Brian’s arms wrap around me and he was holding onto me like I was a life raft on a storm-tossed sea. And, if all that wasn’t bad enough, it felt so fucking good I couldn’t let go of him.

  Chapter Two

  I knew as I sat there holding Brian that what I was doing was wrong. Oh, not from the standpoint of showing compassion for someone who was definitely hurting, but I knew it was more than that. I knew there was a stirring inside of me, sitting there holding Brian in my arms. And while part of the stirring was in my groin, not all of it was. A lot of that stirring was deep inside my gut and chest. Feelings I’d never felt before were starting to blossom and I knew I was in deep trouble if this went on. What I knew I should do was immediately turn this case over to my partner, Ted, and never see Brian again. That’s what my head said but, for the first time in my life, I wasn’t listening to my head. In fact, I was telling it to basically shut the fuck up.

  We sat there for quite a while, until Brian managed to pull himself together. He pulled his head up off my shoulder and looked into my eyes. As far as I was concerned, that was about the worst thing he could have done. One look in those deep, beautiful blue eyes and I was lost. All of my resolve to not get involved with a client this way went right out of my head.

  “I’m sorry,” he almost whispered.

  “Don’t be. You’re hurting. It always hurts when you try to deny who you really are. You’ve been trying so hard it feels like a failure now you realize it’s never going to work.”

  He looked at me in amazement.

  “Yeah. That’s it. That’s it exactly. How do you know that? You said you weren’t ever married.”

  “That doesn’t mean I was always happy with being gay. Society teaches you young to hate yourself for it. I just never even considered trying to get cured. I somehow always knew it wouldn’t work.”

  “So how did you end up with a son? Did you adopt him?”

  “No. He’s my son. My flesh and blood. I only fucked three women in my entire life, and the last one got pregnant after we spent a night together during a drunken frat party. Her family was pretty awful so my family was able to get custody of Tiger for me. I have to admit, he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me in my life.”

  Brian smiled at me.

  “I can see how much you love him. Your eyes get this kind of softness when you talk about him.”

  I looked away, embarrassed to be showing this much emotion to a client.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to embarrass you,” Brian said.

  It was my turn to look at him in amazement. No one was ever as sensitive to my feelings before. It was like we’d known each other forever. This was a feeling I couldn’t understand. I’d never felt it before with anyone.

  “It’s okay. I’m supposed to maintain this professional distance from my clients. I don’t seem to be doing very well at that with you.”

  “I’m glad. I’ll be honest with you. I need a friend as much as I need a lawyer right now. Maybe more.” I could see this was a very honest and open statement of his feelings. He wasn’t hiding anything from me. Could I do any less?

  “I’ll tell you the truth, Brian, I think I could use a friend, too,” I said quietly.

  He smiled and we finally parted. When we sat apart, my arms felt empty and I suddenly felt emptier inside as well. The only other time I could remember feeling this way was when I had to say good-bye to Tiger in order to go to work. That should have clued me into what was going on but the brilliant l
awyer was completely clueless where his own feelings were concerned.

  “But I also have an obligation to be a good attorney for you. Now, what we need to do is look at the marital assets. This is a community property state so basically the marital assets are divided equally between the partners unless there were assets brought to the marriage.”

  “We don’t really have anything. We rent so there’s no property. All I have is my truck. My wife has her own car and I don’t really care about anything else. I just need my truck for work.”

  “I understand. How does your wife feel about this?”

  “Uhh…she doesn’t know. I haven’t told her.”

  I could see he was embarrassed by this.

  “You’re going to have to, you know. You’re also going to need to move out. The courts aren’t particularly biased against cohabitating, but I always feel it’s better for the parties to be living apart when they are seeking dissolution of marriage.”

  “Well…I guess that’s going to be difficult. I don’t know how I’m gonna afford another apartment. You know how rents are here. Shit, Sandy and me were lucky to find the place we’ve got. I’ve been going to school nights, trying to get my contractor’s license. I want to have my own construction firm. That’s where all my energy and money’s been going. Hell! I just hope I have the money to afford you.”

  “You don’t have to worry about that. This is a very simple dissolution since you don’t have any children or property. We’ll work out something about that.”

  Brian and I sat there for another couple of hours, going over the details of his marriage and the divorce action. Along the way, we also did a lot of talking about ourselves, getting to know each other. It was like it was terribly important to both of us to tell as much about ourselves as we could. I’d never had a situation where I’d gotten so comfortable with someone so quickly. It was like Brian, without even trying, had managed to get through every defense I had. And it wasn’t just his looks ‑‑ though I’ll admit he was absolutely beyond handsome to me. There was just something about him that drew me like a moth to a flame. And it seemed I had the same effect on him.