Rock Paper Scissors Read online

  Before we parted, I did something that totally astounded even me ‑‑ I asked him to go to dinner with me the next night. And he accepted. We agreed to meet at the restaurant at eight. After he left, I sat there, stunned. Why had I done that? It was so totally out of character for me. Better yet, I didn’t know how I was going to explain it to Tiger. I could just lie and say it was dinner with a client but I didn’t have those. And, besides, there was one thing I didn’t ever do. I didn’t ever lie to Tiger.

  That night, as we had dinner, I had a talk with him.

  “Uhh…Tiger, tomorrow night, I’m going out to dinner with someone.”

  “Who, Daddy? Somebody from work?”

  “Well, kind of. He’s a new client.”

  “What’s his name?”

  “His name’s Brian.”

  “Do you like him?”

  Tiger was looking at me curiously.

  “Yeah, Tiger. I do like him. I think I like him very much.”

  “Are you going to marry him?”

  I looked at him in shock.

  “Tiger, two guys can’t get married.”

  “Yes, they can. Gary Carson has two dads.”

  “Well, they’re not legally married, Tiger. You can’t do that legally…well, except in Massachusetts. But why would you think I’d get married to another guy?”

  I’d never had The Talk with Tiger so he didn’t, as far as I knew, know anything about sex.

  “Dad, I know you’re gay!”

  He grinned at me

  “And how, may I ask, do you know that? Do you even know what being gay is?”

  “Of course I do. It’s when somebody loves somebody who’s the same as they are. Like two guys or two girls.”

  “Okay. That’s a pretty good definition. I guess growing up here in San Francisco you’d learn that. But why do you think I am?”

  “I’ve seen the way you look at other guys. It’s like the way other guys look at girls.”

  I sat there shocked ‑‑ and busted. My own seven-year-old son had figured out I was gay without me ever telling him.

  “Okay. You’ve got me. Yes, I’m gay.”

  “So that’s why you didn’t marry my mom?”

  “Yeah. That’s part of it. And, before you ask, the rest of it is none of your business right now. When you’re older we can talk about that.” I said this with finality in my voice.

  “So you gonna marry this guy Brian?”

  “No, Tiger. I’m just having dinner with him. I’m not going to marry him.”

  “Do I get to meet him?”

  “No. Not right now.”

  “When?”

  “Maybe later. Okay?”

  “Okay.”

  He’d agreed but he was evidently quite disappointed.

  “Look, Tiger, he’s just a friend. And he’s a client. I’m helping him get a divorce.”

  “You don’t have dinner with your clients. You never have.”

  “Well, this time I am. I like Brian and he’s having a very hard time going through this divorce. I’m kind of helping him get through it.”

  “How could he be married? Did he go to Massachusetts?”

  “No. He’s married to a woman.”

  “Then he’s not gay?”

  “Well…yes, he is. Tiger, this is very hard to explain. He didn’t want to be gay because people say bad things about you if you are so he thought he could get married and stop being gay. It didn’t work. He’s still gay and he wants to not be married anymore. He’s having a hard time accepting he’s gay so I’m trying to help him accept that.”

  “Did you want to stop being gay?”

  “Not really. It was hard sometimes when I was growing up, but I’m glad I am the way I am.”

  “Will I be gay?”

  “Tiger, that’s up to you. You’ll know someday if you are or not. But I want you to remember one thing. No matter if you’re gay or not, I’ll never, ever stop loving you. Okay?”

  “Okay,” he said, jumping out of his chair he ran over to me, throwing himself into my arms.

  I lifted him up into my lap and held him close to me as his little arms wrapped around my neck.

  “I’ll never, ever stop loving you,” I whispered.

  The next morning, I went to the office and walked into Ted’s office.

  “I need your help with something.”

  “Tough case?”

  “No. It’s something personal.”

  “What is it?”

  “Do you have any plans tonight?”

  He looked at me oddly and then laughed.

  “Oh, yeah. I have a date with Matt Damon. We’re going to have wild sex all night long. When the fuck do I ever have plans? I go out as often as you do.”

  “Well…I do have plans. I’m having dinner with somebody and I’d like you to babysit Tiger. Would you do that for me?”

  He looked at me in shock. “You’re joking, right?”

  “No. I’m not. I have a dinner date.”

  “Holy fuck! Who is he? How did you meet him? What’s his name? What’s he like?” Ted asked all in one breath.

  “Hold on. Hold on. One question at a time. Okay. His name is Brian. He’s going through divorce because he’s gay. I met him here. He’s my client. I know that’s not a good thing but I find I can’t help myself. This guy does something to me I can’t even understand myself. I just know I have to see him again. Will you help me?”

  “Well, I’ll be damned. Thank God! I wondered if you were ever going to open up and fall in love with somebody. Of course I’ll babysit for you. I’ll stay all night if you want me to.”

  “I have NOT fallen in love. I’m trying to help Brian. He’s going through a tough time coming to terms with being gay and having to end his marriage. I’m reaching out as a friend, nothing more. This is completely platonic.”

  Ted looked at me and then laughed.

  “Tommy, my boy, do you know the definition of platonic love? It’s the gun you thought wasn’t loaded.”

  “Look, just babysit Tiger tonight for me and keep that bullshit about me being in love to yourself, please? I don’t want to be in love and I don’t need it, either.”

  “Well, I’ll be more than happy to babysit Tiger, but I think you’re wrong about being in love ‑‑ on both counts. What time do you want me there?”

  “I’m meeting him at eight. How about seven? That should give me plenty of time.”

  “So where are you and he going, might I ask?”

  “Sociale’s up on Sacramento Street

  .”

  “Let me guess ‑‑ reservations for the patio. Eating under the stars. Right?”

  I looked at him in shock.

  “Don’t look at me like that. I may be old but I’m not dead. I’m familiar with most of the more romantic eating venues in this city.”

  I blushed in embarrassment. I had indeed made reservations for dinner on the patio because I did like eating under the stars. I didn’t consciously pick someplace romantic. I just loved the restaurant. I’d been eating there ever since Tiger and I had moved to San Francisco. It was what was called “New School Italian” and I found I liked it much better than the regular, heavy Italian fare. I also found the restaurant beautiful and restful ‑‑ not as large and splashy as some are.

  “I’ve been eating there a long time. It has nothing to do with being romantic. I happen to like the food.”

  “You know, you might have gotten away with that line except for the blush.”

  “Just please be at my place at seven. Tiger loves seeing his Uncle Ted and it’s been a while since you’ve been over.”

  “Oh, I’ll be there, all right. Don’t you worry about that. You may not think of this as a date, but I sure do and it’s about damned time you had one.”

  I knew there was just no talking him out of his fantasies so I left and went back to my own office. I sat down and stared out the window. Was this a date? Was I falling in love with Brian? That was silly. I’d onl
y just met him yesterday. So why was I having dinner with him tonight? Okay, there was his divorce but that wasn’t anything of any importance. Certainly it wouldn’t be a problem. I had to admit Brian was an extremely attractive man but I didn’t need a man. Or did I? How the fuck would I know? I’d never had one. I didn’t have a “Kyle” in my life. Maybe if I had, things would have been different. Well, there had been Brandon, but I was only fourteen at the time. Surely if I was going to fall in love with someone, it would have been him?

  But there was still that ache in my gut and in my chest. It happened every time I thought about Brian and I’d been thinking about him almost constantly since yesterday. Maybe I just needed to go over to Blow Buddies and work off a little steam. But, even as I thought it, I knew that wouldn’t help matters any. I looked at my watch. It was only eleven in the morning. I still had nine hours until I met Brian. I don’t remember ever being this nervous and keyed up about being with someone before.

  I tried to concentrate on work and, for a while, it took my mind off Brian, but then I reached for the next file on my desk ‑‑ his divorce file. I sat there reading over my notes and drafted the necessary papers to file for the divorce the next day. I would take the file with me to dinner. This would make dinner a business expense and actually make it look like it was a working dinner with a client ‑‑ even though I knew it wasn’t. I didn’t know what it was, but work was the last thing on my mind.

  I finally left the office and knew where I was headed. I went to Golden Gate Park and there, off of Martin Luther King Drive

  , just west of Twenty-fifth Avenue

  , was Mallard Lake ‑‑ my favorite place in the park. A beautiful, quiet place most tourists, and many San Franciscans, miss entirely. I loved to sit and watch the ducks on the water or to walk in the woods behind it. When I really wanted to be alone and think, this was where I came. I discovered it, quite by accident, when I brought Tiger to the park one day when he was just a toddler.

  As I sat by the lake, my mind was awhirl. Was I falling in love with Brian? I just didn’t see how that could be possible. All the guys I’d had in my life, and I’d never fallen in love with any of them. Besides, Brian was just getting out of a disastrous marriage. He’d need time. Time to sow his wild oats. Time to find out what sex with other guys was all about now he could admit that was what he wanted. It just didn’t make any sense to get involved with somebody in that position. Shit! It didn’t make any sense for me to get involved with anybody, given my position. I had a son to raise and a law practice that took up every other waking minute than what I gave to Tiger. It just didn’t make sense.

  Unfortunately, I guess feelings don’t make sense because no matter how hard I kept trying to talk myself out of this stupidity, the more I knew I was sinking deeper and deeper into something ‑‑ I just didn’t know what. I walked around the lake until I noticed the sun was very low in the sky. I checked my watch and realized I needed to haul ass if I was going to pick up Tiger at after-school care.

  I’d thought about getting a nanny or a housekeeper or somebody to take care of him after school but I realized he didn’t really get any time with other kids. I mean, the Castro wasn’t exactly family haven. Not unless you wanted to talk about Daddies and their Boys who were well over the age of reason and usually dressed in some form of black leather. After-school care gave him a chance to interact with other kids. That, and the baseball and soccer teams he was on. Come to think of it, he had another baseball game tomorrow night. Maybe…

  NO! That wasn’t a good idea. I would not invite Brian to come to his game. I didn’t want him getting involved with Tiger. More importantly, I didn’t really want Tiger getting involved with him. I didn’t want Tiger being mixed up in my love life, such as it was, which was really nonexistent. But, no matter. It wasn’t a good idea.

  Well…except for the fact I knew Tiger was going to bug the shit out of me to meet Brian and at least it would be on neutral ground. On top of that, Tiger would be busy with the game. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea at that.

  All these thoughts ran through my head as I drove over to the day care center and picked up Tiger. As usual, he was waiting by the door for me to arrive and launched himself into my arms the minute I got there. I reminded myself the day was soon coming when he wouldn’t want to be hugged and kissed by his dad ‑‑ not even in private. I was going to try and fight that but I wasn’t sure of success where that was concerned. Teenage boys weren’t usually given to displays of physical affection ‑‑ except maybe during “makeout” sessions but those were just preludes to sex.

  “How was school?” I asked him as I pulled away from the curb after making sure he had his seat belt buckled.

  “It was okay. Tony Piscotti got sent to the principal’s office for fighting. That’s the second time this week,” Tiger answered, all excited at the trials and tribulations of his classmate.

  “Fighting is not a good thing, Tiger. From what you’ve told me, this Tony is somewhat of a bully.”

  “Yeah. But he won’t be no more.”

  “Oh? And why’s that?”

  “Because he’s gonna get thrown out of school. Mrs. Wiggins said if he was caught fighting one more time, they were going to spell him!”

  “That’s EX-pel, Tiger. So they’re going to expel him, huh? Hurting other people is not a good thing.”

  “Daddy? You still going to have dinner with Brian?”

  I was amazed at the question as well as the fact he remembered the name. He must have been thinking about it ‑‑ a lot.

  “Yeah, Tiger, I am. Does that bother you?”

  “No…only that I want to meet him.”

  “Well, you know, I’ve been thinking about that. I wondered how you would feel if I invited him to your game tomorrow?”

  He grinned at me and started bouncing in the seat. Well, as far as the restraining shoulder harness would let him bounce.

  “Cool! Will you do that, Daddy? Huh? Huh?”

  “Okay. Calm down. If you want me to that badly, I will. But I don’t know if he can come. You won’t be mad if he can’t, will you?”

  He seemed to think about that one.

  “No…I won’t be mad. But you’ll tell him I really want him to come, won’t you?”

  “Yes. I’ll tell him you really want him to come.”

  “Cool. Maybe you could have him sleep over?” he answered and leaned over, putting his head against my arm.

  “Sleep over? No, I don’t think that’s going to happen.”

  “Why not?”

  “Look, I know you have sleepovers with your friends, but it’s different for adults.”

  “How?”

  “That’s something I’ll explain when you’re older.”

  “Oh,” he said, knowing from past experience the discussion was closed and I wouldn’t say anything else about it.

  It wasn’t too long after we got home that the doorbell rang.

  “I’LL GET IT!” Tiger yelled and I heard his feet running.

  “UNCLE TED!” I heard the excited scream as I walked out of the kitchen and saw my partner picking up my son in his arms.

  “Hey there. You get bigger and heavier every time I see you,” Ted was saying to Tiger.

  “Pretty soon you aren’t going to be able to pick him up,” I said.

  “So how ya doin’, kiddo? How’s the baseball going?”

  “Great, Uncle Ted. Dad’s gonna bring Brian to my next game.”

  Ted looked up at me grinning while he continued to speak to Tiger. “He is, huh? He must like Brian a lot.”

  I could feel my face heating up.

  “No. I asked him to. I wanted to meet Brian and Daddy said he would bring him to my game tomorrow night.”

  “Oh, tomorrow night, huh?”

  Kids! Whatever’s on their minds is out of their mouths.

  “Uhh, Tiger, I don’t think Uncle Ted is interested in this.”

  I was hoping to head off any more of my private l
ife becoming public.

  “Oh, it’s okay. I don’t mind at all,” Ted said.

  “No, of course you don’t. But I do. Now, Tiger,” I said, turning to my son. “I want you to be good and obey Uncle Ted. I also don’t want you staying up all night watching TV. It’s a school night so bedtime is nine. No later. Understand?”

  “Ahh, Daddy! Can’t I stay up until you get home?”

  “No.”

  “I’ll play ya for it,” he said, an evil glint in his eyes.

  I don’t know how we got started with it, but whenever there was something Tiger didn’t want to do, he’d try to get around it by playing the childhood game Rock Paper Scissors with me. In this game, the hands made gestures that indicated whether it was Rock (a closed fist), Paper (a flat hand), or Scissors (the index and middle fingers outstretched like the blades of a pair of scissors). In the game, Rock “broke” Scissors, Paper “covered” Rock, and Scissors “cut” Paper.

  “Okay.”

  We faced each other and raised our right arms. Then we threw our arms down until they were pointing straight toward each other. Tiger’s hand was bundled into a fist (Rock) and my hand was flat out (Paper) ‑‑ Paper covers Rock. I won.

  “Okay, I won. Bed at nine.”

  “Booger!” Tiger exclaimed with the worst word he was allowed to say in front of me.

  The reason I played this game with him is I always won. Tiger didn’t realize he was very predictable. He always did Rock. So I always did Paper. He’d yet to figure out why he always lost because I don’t think he remembered he’d used Rock the time before.

  “You go on and have a good time. We’ll be fine,” Ted said.

  “Okay. I left the number of the restaurant by the phone in the kitchen and I’ve got my cell with me.” I grabbed my keys and leaned down to kiss Tiger.