Rock Paper Scissors Read online

  His little arms went around my neck and he kissed my cheek.

  “Good night, Daddy.”

  “Good night, Tiger. I’ll see you in the morning.”

  I turned to Ted.

  “You sure you’ll be okay?”

  “I was the oldest of five brothers and sisters. This is hardly the first time I’ve babysat.”

  “Really? I didn’t know that. I always wanted a brother.”

  “Trust me, you were better off without one. None of mine will speak to me.” His voice was very quiet and I could hear a great deal of pain in it.

  “Because you’re…?”

  “Yeah. They don’t like the fact there’s a pervert in the family. Won’t let me near them or their kids.”

  “I’m sorry, Ted. I didn’t know.”

  “It’s okay. It’s been going on a long time now. At least my sisters talk to me. But neither one of them ever got married or had kids. Frankly, I’ve always suspected I might not be the only one in the family who flies the rainbow flag.”

  “Well, you’re family to us and Tiger loves his Uncle Ted, don’t you, Tiger?” I looked down at Tiger who was looking up at us and, evidently, trying to understand the conversation.

  “Yeah! I love you, Uncle Ted,” Tiger said, putting his arms around Ted’s waist.

  “I know you do, Tiger.” Ted looked down at Tiger and ruffled his hair.

  “Well, I better get going or I’ll be late. See you guys later.” I headed out the door.

  It felt strange to be going out at night. Usually, when I got home, that’s where I stayed until morning, unless Tiger was with me. It also felt strange to be going on a date. I don’t remember ever being on one. Usually, I just had sex with a guy. We didn’t date. Well, new century, new experiences.

  I got to the restaurant about fifteen minutes early only to find Brian already waiting for me. He was still dressed in jeans but they were evidently new ones ‑‑ not ones he wore to work. He was also wearing a button-down shirt with a corduroy sport coat in a light tan. It was obvious to me he had dressed up for the occasion, just as I had. In fact, I’d spent a great deal of time creating what I hoped looked like something casual I’d just “thrown on.” I was wearing black jeans, a black turtle neck, and a suede blazer in a dark tobacco brown.

  “Have you been waiting long?” I asked as I reached him.

  “No. I just got here.”

  I didn’t know what to do at that point. Part of me wanted to hug him, feel his arms around me. The other part wasn’t sure this was the right way to approach things. It felt so awkward and then Brian smiled at me and all the fears and concerns went away. I smiled back.

  “Well, let’s go get our table,” I said.

  “Yeah. I’ve never been here before. Is the food good?”

  “It’s great. If you like Italian, you’re going to love it!” I held open the door for him to enter.

  They showed us to a table on the patio. We sat there with candlelight on the table and the stars shining down on us. I ordered the fried olives ‑‑ a specialty of the house ‑‑ for both of us. These are olives stuffed with mozzarella cheese then dipped in batter and fried until the cheese melts. I got Brian to try the salad with figs, candied walnuts, and Gorgonzola cheese with a slightly sweet honey vinaigrette dressing. For entrees, I had the grilled pork chop with a decadent celery root gratin and Brian had the simple grilled rib eye steak. For dessert, I ordered another specialty of the house, sfinge, a sort of Sicilian doughnut drizzled with honey and rolled in almonds paired with their vanilla bean gelato shake. To accompany all of this, I ended up ordering two bottles of California wine ‑‑ a 1999 Blockheadia Ringnosi Zinfandel.

  Brian was impressed to say the least. He told me he’d never had such a meal in his life. I discovered he’d lived a rather simple life, growing up in Ojai, California, which is between Los Angeles and Santa Barbara near the Los Padres National Forest. A very small town and one that, according to Brian, was very narrow-minded as well ‑‑ especially where being gay was concerned. It was hard sometimes to remember that with cities like San Francisco and Los Angeles, California was still a state that had elected a number of Republican governors ‑‑ including Ronald Reagan.

  During the conversation, I learned a great deal more about Brian than he learned about me. I didn’t discuss my childhood much and certainly never let on I had the kind of wealth I did. Not because I thought Brian was some kind of gold digger, but quite the opposite. I was deathly afraid that my having the type of wealth I did would make Brian consider me way out of his league and have nothing to do with me.

  We did eventually get around to his divorce. He’d told Sandy the night before, only to learn she had been cheating on him with somebody at work for the past year. He didn’t blame her in the least and it seemed as if the divorce came as more of a relief than a problem. It seemed that Sandy, his soon-to-be ex-wife, was completely amenable to a straight half and half settlement, with no alimony expected. I brought out my briefcase, which I’d kept under the table during dinner, and had Brian sign the documents so I could have them filed in court the next day. I thought we could obtain the dissolution within two months and the final decree within six.

  I wanted to go somewhere with Brian, away from the restaurant but not to my home. I decided to take him to the most romantic place I knew of where we could talk some more ‑‑ the top of Twin Peaks. Well…actually, the top of one of the Twin Peaks. It had a beautiful lookout where you could see the Oakland Bridge and that part of the city laid out below you like a carpet of diamonds.

  We walked along the lookout, talking for a while. I discussed with him the fact that Tiger wanted him to come to his baseball game the next night. I knew it was an imposition, but Tiger was curious about who he was and wanted to meet him.

  “Look, I’ll understand if you can’t make it,” I said quietly.

  “But I’ll bet Tiger won’t.”

  “No. You’re right about that. Tiger won’t.”

  “I’d love to come. I used to play Little League ball when I was younger. I also get the feeling it isn’t every guy you invite to come to one of his games and meet him.”

  “No guy. I’ve never asked any guy to come to one of his games or meet him.”

  Brian looked at me in shock.

  “Why me?”

  I hesitated. That was a question I was still trying to answer for myself. I decided to do something lawyers are not noted for ‑‑ I’d tell Brian the truth.

  “Because somehow, and I don’t yet understand how, you’re special to me. I realize it isn’t very professional of me to tell you that. It isn’t even a good time for me to tell you that, what with you not even having really filed for divorce yet. But, there it is. I can’t change it.”

  Brian just stood there, looking at me for the longest time. I figured he either thought I was desperate or an idiot. I wasn’t so sure I didn’t fit into both categories. Then he smiled shyly at me and reached up. He put his hand behind my neck and pulled my face forward until it was just inches from his. Then he slowly brought his face forward until our mouths met in a gentle kiss. The kiss didn’t last long, but when he pulled back, he didn’t let go of me.

  “You must be very special to me, too. I haven’t wanted to kiss another guy since Kyle. And that was a very long time ago.”

  And then he kissed me again. But this kiss was stronger, more passionate. I suddenly felt his tongue licking at my upper lip, begging for admittance. I opened to him and the next thing I knew, our arms were around each other and we were groaning into each other’s mouths. My cock was harder than I think it’s ever been and I could feel his pressing against mine through our jeans. We stood there sucking face like a couple of horny teenagers. Maybe in some ways, that’s exactly what we were. All I knew was, right there and then I made the decision that, no matter what, this was not going to end with just tonight. It was not going to end until I had him in a bed, naked beside me. And for some reason, I couldn’t see ther
e being an end to that, either.

  Chapter Three

  It was getting late. We both knew it but it was like we didn’t want to part. Even though we knew we’d be seeing each other at Tiger’s baseball game the following day, it didn’t make it any easier for us to say good night to each other. But, eventually, we realized I had a son to go home to and he had to be on the job site early in the morning. We agreed he would meet me at my office after work and he would follow me in his truck to the game. I drove him back to the restaurant where he’d left his truck. Before he got out of my car, he leaned over and kissed me one more time.

  “I can’t remember when I’ve had a night like this. Thank you, Tommy.”

  “No. I’m the one who ought to be thanking you. I’ve never had a night like this. I’d have remembered if I had.”

  I watched as he got into his truck and closed the door behind him. He drove off with a toot of his horn and a wave. Then I drove home, feeling an emptiness I had never felt in my entire life. An emptiness I guess I never expected to feel. It was starting to dawn on me what was happening to me. I wasn’t a complete fool. Tonight I’d seen more of Brian and the more I saw, the more I liked. Worse, I was beginning to come to the understanding that this wasn’t just “like.” I just couldn’t bring myself to say the word it really was.

  When I got home, I discovered just about what I expected to find. My partner, Ted, was a total pushover when it came to Tiger. He truly loved my son. People think because gay men often don’t have children, we don’t want them. How foolish that idea is. We just don’t want to marry women in order to have children. Ted was from a generation of gay men who hid out in marriage or lived very difficult lives coming to terms with a society in which their rights as human beings to be gay were still being fought for. For Ted, Tiger was the son or maybe the grandson he thought he’d never have.

  What I found when I walked into the house was Tiger, sitting on Ted’s lap watching David Letterman and Ted, sound asleep, his arms wrapped around my son.

  “You are supposed to be in bed, young man,” I said, quietly, trying not to wake Ted.

  Tiger, at least, had the intelligence to look guilty and remorseful. It was a masterful performance. This kid could win an Oscar one day. It was all I could do not to laugh. I was about to say something but, at that moment, Ted woke up and saw me standing there. He looked down at Tiger on his lap and with the TV still on. He looked extremely chagrined ‑‑ almost as if it was he who had stayed up past his bedtime.

  “I’m sorry. I must have fallen asleep. I really was going to put him to bed.”

  “I know, Ted. I’m not blaming you. Tiger knows when his bedtime is and is quite capable of getting himself to bed,” I said before turning to Tiger. “Which is where you had better get your little butt right now. And there will be no PlayStation for one week.”

  Tiger climbed down from Ted’s lap without another word and headed toward his bedroom.

  “I’ll be in to tuck you in,” I said to Tiger’s retreating back.

  “I’m sorry. I guess I’m a terrible babysitter,” Ted said.

  “You’re a wonderful babysitter but you’re a better uncle. You gave Tiger exactly what he needed tonight ‑‑ your undivided attention. I’m not so foolish as to believe my going out on a date for the first time in his life was something he was really all that thrilled about. But having you here, one of his most favorite people on earth, makes it all better for him. He got you all to himself. Did you see where he was? Curled up in your lap. Not lying on the couch. Not lying on the floor like he usually does. He was getting from you what he needed. That makes you the best babysitter in the world for Tiger.”

  And with this, I leaned down and gently kissed my law partner on the cheek ‑‑ a first in our relationship. Ted looked at me with a look of shock, embarrassment, and pleasure.

  “While we’re on the subject, how did the date go?” he asked.

  “It went great.” I smiled even as my face grew red in embarrassment.

  “Well, I can see it did.” Ted laughed.

  “No, nothing like that. We had a really nice dinner and then I drove us up to the top of Twin Peaks. We walked around and talked for a while.”

  “Did you at least kiss him?”

  “Uhh…umm…well…more like he kissed me.” My blush became deeper.

  “Oh, you’ve got it bad, don’t you?”

  “Who-a-a… No! I don’t have it ‘bad,’” I insisted.

  “Oh, okay, you’re not the least bit in love with him. So I guess you didn’t invite him to Tiger’s baseball game tomorrow night and you’re never going to see him again. Right?”

  I stood there fuming. Goddamn fucking lawyers! We learn too well how to read people ‑‑ clients, witnesses, juries, other lawyers. And Ted was a master of doing all that ‑‑ especially me.

  “Okay! Okay! I invited him. There’s no harm in that, is there?” I growled.

  “Not in the least…except…exactly how many other guys have you invited to meet your son?”

  I would never want to be a witness for the opposing side and have Ted cross-examine me.

  “Tiger’s been too young to understand. He’s old enough now.”

  “Bullshit. There’s never been a guy you’d have even considered letting him meet. You don’t even know most of their first names and none of their lasts. That’s not the way things work at Blow Buddies or the Steam Works.”

  “Okay. I’ll admit it! I like this guy. I like him more than any guy I think I’ve ever met. But friendship is all that may come of this. He’s just coming out, for God’s sake. He’s never really had a chance to play the field. He’s not ready to settle down into a relationship ‑‑ and neither am I, for that matter.”

  “Tommy, you may be one bright lawyer but your level of insight into yourself is pathetic. What do you mean, you’re not ready for a relationship? You’re in one. What do you call Tiger?”

  “You know what I mean.”

  “Oh, you mean the kind where you love somebody, care about their welfare more than your own, commit yourself to be there for them for the long haul? That kind of relationship? Well, think about it, Counselor. Isn’t that exactly what you have with Tiger?”

  “Tiger and I don’t sleep together…well, not in that way.”

  “Good thing. But sex is a very small part of a relationship, Tommy. Ann Landers, the advice columnist, put it very well one time. She said, ‘When sex is good, it’s ten percent of a marriage. When it’s bad, it’s ninety percent.’ Relationships aren’t about sex, Tommy. They’re about love, caring, and commitment. And don’t be so sure he isn’t ready for that. Not all males are the horndogs you seem to think they are.”

  “The hell they’re not! How many of those guys I play with in Blow Buddies or the Steam Works have wedding bands on? How many cases do we have at the office right now where one lover cheated on another? Now they’re breaking up and we’re having to help them divide their assets? Shit! The divorce rate in this country is sixty-six percent among straights and there are estimates that up to seven out of ten husbands cheat on their wives,” I lashed out at him.

  Ted didn’t rise to the bait. He answered very quietly.

  “And how many relationships do we both know where the two guys have been together for more than twenty years? You know, the real problem here is you’re scared.”

  “Of course I’m scared! I don’t want to be hurt and I especially don’t want Tiger to be hurt in the process, either,” I almost shouted.

  “Tommy, there’s an old saying, ‘There is no love without pain, but the greatest pain of all is to never love.’ All of life is a gamble. We face the possibility of pain every day. We just don’t think about it. Every time we care for somebody other than ourselves ‑‑ no matter how slightly ‑‑ we’re risking pain. We do it because the reward of caring and being cared about is worth it.”

  “So why aren’t you in a relationship, then? If it’s so fucking wonderful, why aren’t you in on
e?” I figured I scored with that one.

  “What makes you think I wouldn’t love to be? Better yet, what makes you think I’ve never been?”

  “You have? You’ve never told me that.”

  “I haven’t told anybody for a very long time. It was a very long time ago.” I could see his eyes getting misty.

  “Ted, I want to hear about this, I really do, but let me go tuck Tiger in first, okay?”

  “Yeah. Can I come with you?”

  I could hear that longing in his voice. Yep, my son was the son he never had.

  “Of course you can. I’m sure Tiger will love having both of us do it.”

  We went down the hall to Tiger’s room and he was laying there with the lamp beside his bed still on. He was dressed in the baseball pajamas he loved. They were replicas of the San Francisco Giants’ uniforms and Tiger must have had ten pairs of them. They were all he’d wear. Ted and I sat down on opposite sides of the bed with him.

  “Daddy, are you and Uncle Ted fighting?”

  I guess that was my fault. I was the one raising my voice.

  “No, Tiger. Daddy’s just being an asshole. Uncle Ted and I were discussing something and Daddy wasn’t real happy about it.”

  “Don’t be mad at Uncle Ted, Daddy. I know it was my fault. I knew I should go to bed, but I wanted to stay up and hear about what you and Brian did tonight.”

  “Oh, Tiger, I’m not mad at Uncle Ted. As to what Brian and I did…well…we had dinner and then we talked. That’s all. You would have been really bored.”

  “Is he coming to my game?”

  “Yes, he’s coming to the game. So you’ll get to meet him tomorrow. Now, you’d better get some sleep. It’s way past your bedtime and you’ve got a game to play tomorrow.”

  “Yeah, Tiger, you want to play your best when you meet Brian, don’t you?” Ted asked him.

  “Yeah! I do!”

  “Then get some sleep, little buddy.” Ted leaned down and kissed Tiger on the forehead.

  “Good night, Tiger,” I said as I also leaned down and kissed him on the cheek.